Speed... Liberates?

Took a long ride on the bike Saturday... It was a beautiful October day, almost 80 degrees, crystal clear skies, the road side green with a sprinkle of flowers from the rains a earlier in the week. The southwest desert at its most beautiful. I took old 66 out east of town. then turning south for a nice long stretch of open road. Just taking my time and enjoying the day.

Somewhere about 2 hours into the jaunt the world intruded. My mind started spinning over work issues of the last few weeks, over things going on with what passes for my family, just the general BS of life got a hold of my braincell and just wouldn't let go. Needless to say this was really f-ing with my mood.

I stopped to top of the tank on my bright yellow scoot then sat for a bit looking at my map trying to decide which way to run home. I was decidedly grumpy at this point so I found the most direct route.

As soon as I was back on the road with the lil town behind me all the ugly thoughts I was having returned with a vengeance. So I started to roll on more and more throttle, building speed fast, the scream of the lil triple loud even in the helmet. I crossed 80... and my mind was still wandering... then 100 went by and my mind started to focus.. started to push things back in their little boxes. I hugged the lil scoot and rolled on more.. making the world around me disappear as I tried to outrun the crap in my head.

At one point I came up FAST on a car and flicked around it, then another. I looked down and saw 132 go past as the road stretched out before me, clear except for some oncoming dots in the other lane. It was at this point I realized that a gust of wind, a bad spot in the road or, if I wished to take control, a small press on the left grip could send me head on into the tractor/trailer rig the oncoming dot had suddenly become. It was at this point that fate or my own will could free me from myself. It was at this point I realized I was calm again.

It was a good day.

A Pet Returns

Yay!! My Minx showed up in SL last eve! I'm sooooo relieved to know now that she is all right. We sat and had a good talk, mocked a goob or two and generally caught up on things as she apologized for being gone over other word or so. *chuckles*

She seemed generally suprised I wasn't mad at her... that I didn't hate her for being MIA for so long. Maybe by some rules I should but... well.. that is just not my way.

First off I understand the stresses of RL all to well. I've always said to my Pets that RL comes first and foremost. I understand the life can, and does, draw one away as it tries to consume you. I understand the desire to close up one's own shell as one battles life, to hide from all around you, to hide from the very things that can give one strength. I've done it often enough myself over the year so yes... I understand this all to well.

Second off, even if it does not appear from the outside, I do take the D/s aspect of things very seriously. I do not lighly put aside a toy I've taken to hand. One that I have marked as my own. I value you them to high to be cavalier about it all.

Lastly, I just don't get caught up in what ifs, and might have beens. I don't go looking for things to be sad or mad about either. I enjoy moments as they come for all to often life comes and takes em away. I enjoy people (well thoes few I hold close all others can piss off) for who they are and the smiles that they bring me. Not what they could have done or times that might have been. Again, I just enjoy what I can when I can and hold the memory for what it is. To do more is just asking for uneeded distress WHEN (not if) life gets in the way.

Bottom line is that I'm simply glad to have the Minx back around for as long life allows. I will enjoy the moments as they come bank the laughs until the time life comes and gets in the way again.

Control...

I was talking with a friend other day, a friend in SL. We got on the subject of D/s (she is a sweet lil submissive) and we were talking about how I feel I don't feel I spend enough time with my two girls due to RL. Then she made a comment along the lines of... "It must be tough trying to control your subs when you are away so much" At this I had to pause and think. Is it tough? Do I even try to control? And the answer to both was a very clear NO. My girls are both strong and uber smart. Both are friends first and foremost. Both have seen something that leads them to give themselves totally to me, to put my wants ahead of theirs. I don't need to control then for when I want something I have but to quietly ask and it is done. I don't need to control them for I KNOW that they will always act in such a way that I approve of and I KNOW that even if they do not, I will hear of it first from their lips. Such is our connection, such is my trust in them. As see it, with trust I do not need to "control"

Bleh...

I'm edgy, cranky, bitchy, with a sharp word for all about me the last few days... ('so what's the difference?' you are asking). Missing quality time with my Nina and my Minxy. MEH!!! Silly to miss people one only knows as pixel cartoons... but miss them I do. Well.. if i'm going to be grumpy anyhow I may as well go back to work.

Random thoughts on Tibet...

Because I feel most people base their views primarily on emotion I have always thought of myself as one that looks more at fact. My strong negative views to the long running struggles of Tibet and China's recent crackdown there I thought was well reasoned and based on information I had read and processed logically. This was challenged recently by a conversation I had with a friend in world on the subject. After talking a bit and me spouting off my view, my friend asked me a few very good questions.. (It should be noted that my friend is an immigrant from China)

Friend: so you are basing your stance on what you have read and heard in the news over the years?

Me: Well yes...

Friend: news that is written in 30 second sound bites designed, in your own words, to get your attention and shock

Me: erm... well... yes that is true. But also from alternative sources like blogs and the like.

Friend: Blogs written by whom? Are they really reporting simple facts or is the information begin spun to match a political point.

Me: erm... Well... (seeing a trend here?)

Friend: Do you have any knowledge in your vast readings of the state of the region? Now vs. Communist rule from Beijing?

Me: Yes, several articles written in recent years on the subject!

Friend: And the authors of these articles have no political viewpoint on the subject they were writing about? The articles where written as a purely scholarly exercise and not to expound on a political view?

Me: erm...

Friend: Would you willingly live in a society that demanded you to be a Christian and follow strict christian law? Where your most conservative Christian preachers made the laws and ran everything? Who decided who would be would become part of the ruling elite?

Me: erm.... (by now I'm getting very good at this sound)

Friend laughs at me: Its nice to turn the tables on you every once in a while.

now... at this point I have to admit that my views on the subject ARE based mostly on an emotional response to an oppressive communist government and a naive and very limited understanding what religious rule is based on Buddhism. I'm going to have to do more reading so I can reduce the use of the "erm" sound in my next conversation on the subject.

It sucks to find that I'm just like everyone else.

Dream Weirdness

Have you ever had a dream that you were asleep dreaming but this dream with in a dream was actually a nightmare? I was dreaming last night. This is odd in its self as I don't usually dream at all. In the in inner dream I woke up and felt someone or something holding me down. Literally had the feeling of hands on my right wrist and left forearm. In the inner dream I could see something there. Fuzzy with the edges not defined like I used to see upon waking before I had my eyes fixed. In the inner dream I fought, pulled my right hand free and punched hard. I could feel the punch land on something solid then stuck again as I rolled to pull my left arm free. I the inner dream I was able to make the thing above me fall back allowing me to pull my left arm free, knocking over my night stand with all of it assorted junk in the process, and roll of the bed to scramble to my feet. I could see the someone/something begin to lunge back at me... and it was at this time I dreamed I woke up from the nightmare. I dreamed I was laying in bed, sweating, trying to catch my breath. I dreamed I went to turn on the lamp that is on my nightstand but it was not there being knocked over as I thrashed about in the nightmare. In my dreamed I laid there for a long time trying to calm down. Then, I realized I was still dreaming and forced myself to really wake up. I laid there and looked about the room. With the moonlight filtering in I could see that nothing was knocked over. The covers over me were not tossed about as if I was struggling. I was not sweating. I was not breathing hard. The only thing that was amiss was my heart was pounding... HARD. I calmed and centered myself, running through what happened in the dream. I slipped off to sleep again waking up at my normal time this morning. The knuckles on my right hand are bruised and my wrist hurts.

Weird....

"Are you a Mistress?"

Yes, I have and interest in and am involved in (to varying degrees over the years) in what is called the D/s lifestyle. I am almost exclusively active only in SL these days and its my experience there that leads to this post.

"Are you a Mistress?"... This is a question I have been asked numerous times while hanging out at a SL place called The Bondage Ranch. I think what they are really asking is "Are you a Dominatrix?". For some reason this question always surprises me and I always answer with what I see is the truth... "I am called Mistress by some" and leave it at that This seems to confuse most that ask the question and it quickly ends the conversation (which I see no downside in at all). But this has happened enough that I feel I need to step back and explore the real question... What am I?

I guess its best to say I am a Dominant in the sense of female wolf being the alpha bitch of her pack. I'm also very solitary by nature so although I am a dominant type of person I comfortable by myself (living in my own head) and have never had a need to search for someone to be dominant over. I also have a sadistic streak. Not to say i like to hurt people but I do enjoy the employment and exploration of pain as another sensation to toy with as part of sexual play with a WILLING partner.

Does all this make me a Mistress or Dominatrix? To address the latter.. No, it does not. I'm not one for the theater I associate with a dominatrix. I love fetish wear but it does not have to be part of my play. I am as apt to play in my jeans and cami as I am in my latex corset and thigh high boots. I'm not one for the barking of commands and verbal abuse nor am I into the (what I perceive) the put on appearance of superiority with the words "Yes Mistress" being uttered every few minutes. All these things I see as the theater around what is important. Yes, I make requests with expectations of compliance. Yes, I will break a toy down verbally if I feel a point needs to be made, or if the whim strikes and it will amuse me. And yes i expect respect but that does not mean being called some title every time one of my girls opens their mouth. As I have told them both.. "I know well my place in the food chain. I don't need the reminder. And if you do, then I'm doing something wrong"

Now to address the former... I feel 'Mistress' (or Master for that matter) is a title one can't just pick up and wear. It can only be bestowed by another. When you and that other person come to a place in life where they TRUST you enough to submit, to give, themselves (in some large measure) to you. And where you TRUST them enough to accept that gift and all the responsibility that comes with it. To me, it is a powerful term, one that should never be taken, or given, lightly.

I'm not saying my views "are the way is should be". I'm saying is this is the way for me. And that is what matters in my mind.

Disjointed Tired Thoughts

Bleh... Haven't slept in a couple of days. I used to going with out sleep but it does make me... grumpy to say the least. So started off the day my barking at my flunky over something that really was of no import. I caught my self and apologized. He laughed it off but I still fell crappy about it. I never liked it when it happened to me and I hate myself when I do it to others.

Made some phone calls, working to drum up business. I run my own small (2 person) business offering a variety of IT services with a focus on security. I is the worst kind of geek, a paranoid security geek. Needless to say the crappy economic news is making small businesses really look close as to what they do with a buck. Makes the sales part of what I do harder but *shrugs* such is life.

I want to get some pictures of the poses I have been making but that would mean learning to used Photoshop. I think I'm to lazy to do that so I may bug a friend to make the pictures.

By the way... I miss my Minxy. Haven't seen her in SL for a couple of day.

A Vamp's Story - Another part

I wish I could say I am ashamed of what I was then but I can't. I relished in the hunt, the moment of the kill, the sound of the screams as my prey realized that there is no escape, the first taste of blood exploding on my tongue I as ripped the prey's throat open, the sight of it as it ran down my neck and over my breasts, the smell of the fear and even sometimes the lust of my prey, the sensations of the prey's struggles getting weaker, the pitiful cries growing softer then turning to pleas to end it all... to take all that they have and to grant a release.

It is impossible to describe the intensity of these sensations. How, driven by the hunger, they become so bright, so sharp, so deliciously painful. How these sensations bring such an overwhelming feelings of power, of strength and the sure knowledge that what you do is so right and simply what you were put in the world to do.

I would have continued on like this, reveling in my place as a predator. Taking my due from the sheep around me over and over again. Until the day that the sheep tire of it and band together to hunt me down and end me. This, I have found, is the fate of many of the blood. Those that cannot control the hunger that brings such sweet pain. Yes, this would have been my fate but other forces intervened. For I was trapped, caged, enslaved, then ultimately broken and rebuilt by a group of these sheep that have long been in the shadow of "human" culture.

I will not reveal then name of this group. It would be meaningless to you and I still have a certain loyalty to these people as strange as that may seem. Suffice it to say that they took it upon themselves many centuries ago to do what they could to curb the excesses of my kind. To hunt down and kill those kindred lost in the bloodlust as one would any animal with a taste for human flesh. They also look to curb the predations of those humans who's cruel tastes or lust for wealth and power make them more monstrous then any vampire could ever aspire to be. To steal a modern phrase... Vampires kill but only on a retail basis.. It took humans to move killing into the wholesale market.

Needless to say this is dangerous work and many have fallen in its pursuit and in me they had found a new weapon, a vampire that could hunt both day and night. This was the reason I as hunted. This was the reason I was taken. I was to be trained me as their tool, a "death-dealer" they would come called me.

A Vamp's Story - The Start At Least...

I am a vampire. "Ahhh" you say, thinking that you know all there is to know. But the stories of the origins of my kindred are many and varied. Many of my kind feel that they are decedents of Cain and are the flail of God or that we are decedents from a cursed Egyptian queen. Still others feel we are not so ancient but are descended from a 15th century Hungarian noble Vlad Tepes or his overlord Matthius Covinus. What the truth is? who cares! The fact is we are here preying on the humans, the sheep, that surround us. The only thing that is with out question is that EVERYTHING you think you know about us is, while not exactly false, is just not completely true.

It all started on my eve before my wedding. My father was tired of supporting an unwed "old maid" at his hearth so had arranged my betrothal to strengthen an alliance. I did not want this marriage, I wanted no marriage at all! But my words carried no weight with my father, such were the times. So on a night where others brides would be giddy with excitement and anticipation I was crying and preying to God (and others we were no longer supposed to speak of) to stop this wedding in any way. I guess you might as that all that came after is my fault.

Suddenly, the sound of steel on steel rang out brightly as swords began to clash. My fathers voice boomed as he gave a cry of rage and fear. Then thinner sound of my brothers voices echoed along side. And above the din laughter could be heard. Contemptuous, cruel, laughter. All to quickly the sounds of the struggle stopped, the silence broken only by an occasional, shriek from beyond our walls. Then screams arose form the chamber where my younger sister slept! ?Please don't!? I heard my mother beg as I scrambled out of bed and out of my chamber. I ran down the corridor and into my sister's room. There I saw my younger sister in the arms of a monster! A monster possessing a beauty that called to me even though his face was covered in my sister's blood. My mother laid sprawled across the bed, her chemise soaked with her blood clung to the curves of her lush body.

I heard the screaming start again as I tried to back out of the small room. I didn't realize it was I making that horrific sound until I ran into something hard and unyielding. I turned to look into the face of the most beautiful and horrifying creature had ever seen. She smiled coldly, this was the last thing I saw... My prayers had been answered, there would be no wedding on the morn.

Somehow I alone survived and was filled with this burning hunger. The iron smell of the blood in the room filled my senses. I drug myself to where my sister was tossed. Her body a broken bloody lump of flesh. The smell of the blood set fire to this strange hunger I felt. The sight of it, black in the moonlight, called to me. I licked at the pooling blood and it exploded on my tongue and sent tremors through my body like the joy my mother told me to hope for on my wedding night. It was then that I knew I that had turned into.... something.

But what I had become I did not know. My world was filled with the terrible hunger but having no one to guide me I spent many dark years as not much more then an animal. I killed, time and time again as I roamed. I killed to feed my hunger... I killed those who had the gall to persue me.... and I killed for the simple joy of it all. I remember a shepherd boy with ice blue eyes begging me not to hurt his charges just before I broke his neck. I remember the stench of the drunken townsman as I pinned him to the wall in some filthy back alley and tore open his troat. I remember the soft voice of the lass who's screams echoed through the trees of some unnamed forest.